Category Archives: contemplative essays

various themes

Diamonds.

 

Oh, Fortuna.

Yes. Karma happens. And, it doesn’t matter which kind you’re due.

At about 1:30 am, steamrolling through the rest of the latent spring cleaning, I spied a Chinese cookie fortune on the floor. Picking it up, I smiled ironically at the sage advice on its face. Then, inspired by the Hershey’s chocolate still coursing through my arteries even at such an hour, creative juices set the ball sliding.

I looked around for my phone camera.

The lighting wasn’t right. It never is, when the flip phone is the device – that d.a.n.g shadow. Squirming into all contortions to get just the right angle and focus, my body must have turned too quickly for the blood sugar. Foot, caught in the loop of the sack holding the water bottles, I lunged – against the Schwinn 26″ cruiser sitting in the middle of my kitchen – and plunged to the floor, face down by the garbage can.

Even tripping over, yes, the Stability Ball (?) last winter was no match for this mess.

Yes. Several days ago, also during deep spring cleaning [Note to Self: back off the internal condemnation about clutter, alrighty then?], I’d unearthed my beautiful diamond engagement ring from amongst the rubble of the past. Wearing it proudly, stubbornly, every day since, I’d only spent a fleeting moment considering the relative propriety of doing so, seeing as my ex-husband had been remarried for years. But, the ring was gold, after all; best to keep such valuables close to the vest.

However, on this morning, the God of the Universe rendered all human logic void against the crystal clarity of illumination. Upon impact with the floor, that diamond – prongs up on my ring finger – made puncturing contact with my face. Through the optic stars, and the stunning silence: blood. All over my hands. Blood, dripping all over the floor.

The sight in the bathroom mirror, in sharp contrast to the usual vanities, was ghastly. Mashing a crispy paper towel against my chin, I tore out the door, down Cherry, around the cemetery and, for the third time in five weeks, across to the ER.

They all know me, over there. Every head followed my moaning face as it floated past. Tick bites, two at once. Garden rake tines, to the ball of the foot. Hives, to the throat. All this, to the people who save the lives of the socially unimportant, the hapless, and the homeless, every day: a night at work. Their stride was set.

Those assigned to my case were born to gentility and compassion. The nurse, who held my hand. The young surgeon’s eyes, deep teal, his manner careful and patient centered. And, the supervising physician, a lord of insight and empathy.

Two hours later: two deft stitches, just under the chin. And, some serious, jaw bruising bone pain.

At least the tetanus shot from the rake attack was still fresh.

Arriving home at 4:36 am, I quietly slipped the diamond off my finger and placed it under the rest of the costume jewelry. Like the nurse said: the marriage hadn’t worked, either.

That photo?

Fortune cookie:

“There is nothing permanent except change.”

Superimposed over:

a pile of coins.

This, my friends, is a case of the artist literally falling for her art.
And, a scar under the chin to nurse for the next six months, just for humility.  Gold, silver, diamonds….earthly fortunes, only for time.

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FortuneCookieFate

CoinsInTheAftermath

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© Ruth Ann Scanzillo   7/12/16    All rights those of the author, whose story it is, and whose name appears above this line. Trust me; you don’t want to steal pain.

littlebarefeetblog.com

The Voice of My Generation.

The Chinese boy’s name was Doonk. Or, at least that’s how he pronounced it when I asked him who he was. And, he’d done everything humanly possible to make my take out buffet dinner as delectable, if gluten and soy free, as he could.

But, sometimes,  we’re just in the right place at the wrong time.

I brought my dinner home, alright. Got it all set up on the sofa, and turned on the TV.

There he was.

Catching the tail end of the finale of his live one at PBS’ Austin City Limits just a day or two before, I’d heard enough to know that James Taylor and his band of back up singers and musicians had been one of the all time best that series had ever known. The collective light in everybody’s eyes told that tale.

And, this night, the time on the clock said 7:06 p.m.; with my carefully selected repast laid out before me, I’d be able to enjoy nearly the whole hour of his concert! This was more than the old single girl had bargained for, on such a Sunday evening in early summer.

Eagerly, I dug in to my meal, glancing up every so often at the radiant face of the man who had clearly come out the other end of a life that had borne its depths with what could only be termed a riding high. Smiling broadly as he sang, segueing from one song to the next with that rare fluency that only comes with the perfect band, the perfect night, the perfect scene, the perfect moment…..he was the perfected artist. As attuned to him as if they were inside his head were the flush, back up vocals, a wailing sax, Jimmy Johnson’s solo bass, and the subtle drumming of Steve Gadd always just under the lead of his clean, smoothe tenor.

To the innocent, Taylor seemed uncontainably happy.

But, I’m old, now. Just old enough. Old enough to know most of the stories – about people, and places, and things. There’s rarely a newsbyte or a bit of sound that comes across the ticker that doesn’t, in some way, trigger an associated memory. My fascination with the pure joy emanating from Taylor’s face was informed. His was a story of triumph.

In the early years of his fame, James Taylor was our lead balladeer. When we were down, or troubled, or we just needed a helping hand, that song……..that song brought it all home, for us. We didn’t know until the next decade that his own life would rise to the heights and plummet to the pit of despair; he would come out to us, eventually, not as a spokesman, but as a confessor of sorts for the rest of the bi-polar community.

And so, as I sat over my Chinese take out, I soaked up James Taylor in his finest hour, feeling the celebratory relief of a life that had come up out of its own troubles, coasting in conquering mode.

But, as if to gently prod my sensibilities, my taste buds started talking back. How audacious of them, really, in the midst of a perfect sensory evening. What was that bitter residue that seemed to be saturating every mouthful of my banquet?

Choosing my buffet meal with alleged care for only protein sources and clean nutrition, one fleeting, personal moment of weakness had permitted two small squares of red jello to pile on before I’d closed the styrofoam container. These had, in the emerging summer heat, decided to melt. Liquified, this red stream had meandered under the whole dinner, soaking up the rice, the noodles, the cheesy potatoes, the shrimp; and, worst part was, this was the artificially sweetened variety. The whole meal had been tainted by an alien chemical; it tasted awful.

Now, everybody knows – at least, anybody who reads a nutritional report produced by health conscious experts – that artificial sweeteners are, in large part, toxic. There is a larger point, here.

My generation is in that rare place: still comparatively lucid, and able to connect vast amounts of information from the past to the present. We are in the decade of now or never, the one that nobody has to tell us is our moment. What’s important, here, is that we go beyond realizing and actually do something with it.

We can look back, while we still have perspective; we can look ahead, while we still have our health. We can make ourselves available to any and everyone who seeks to benefit from our various wisdoms, and we can do even more: we can change our course completely without any concern for the judgments of others. We can break brand new ground, with far more than the idealistic notions of our youth; we now have the freedom to make sound decisions born of  the vision that comes with the experience of knowing.

Had I been some twenty years younger, that melted red jello, that faux food would have ruined my entire evening. I would have brooded at the injustice of it all, maybe even written a letter to the restaurant owner berating his choice of dessert options.

But, James Taylor’s voice was still there, its beauty and clarity undiminished, to teach me everything I needed to know. There was a bigger picture, finally, even if I had needed almost a lifetime to see it. There would be another Sunday night, more Chinese take out to be had. Duke, as his name turned out to be, would greet me cheerily the next time, with added recognition.

And, there didn’t have to be any more melting jello embittering anything. We could all rejoice with the voice of our own, small triumphs.

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© Ruth Ann Scanzillo   6/18/16  All rights those of the author, in whole and/or in part, whose name appears above this line. Thank you for your respec. Bon Appetit.

littlebarefeetblog.com

 

 

 

 

The Merely Un-Enlightened.

 

*Originally posted November 15, 2014 – Rescheduled for reposting on March 29, 2016.

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August, 2014

I adored the boy. Adored everything about his sensitive, electrifying personality, and the sight of him, all healthy and alive and real, not destitute in the gutter. But, he, distinct from my image of him… that reality was jarring, and jostled my senses. I would learn to find that he carried within him a fundamental lack of acceptance of the As I Am, and probably, across those past many and joyful days, had really come to me only as a respite from an atmosphere he’d described as intolerable.

As such, I’d fulfilled my role, for him; however, his actually giving me anything that might have brought what I needed may, also, have been pre-destined to be short-lived – just like the three lovely weeks those 30 years ago that had meant so much to me and, now to be realized, so little to him.

In plain English, when I lay in bed that night, I’d said to myself: “Given his repeated references to my ‘thinking out loud’; being ‘caught in the mind’; and, his most unflattering characterization of my swift, reactive personality….. his pontificating need to endlessly laud the virtues of Mindlessness and Disinterest ( hours at a time, over a period of days, toward which I applied my mind’s full capacities to grasp), I am left to [yes] think: “You know, if you extract my unlimited Internet access, my enticing electric Clavinova with the multiple presets and delay features, the guitars, and all my food, plus my willing reimbursement for household work (in which I duly shared, lest you think I sat by merely watching and barking orders)….would he have any desire to ride his bike to my house just to be with……well…me..….? ”

I concluded that the answer was: “No.”

Because, by his Master Teacher’s definition, “I” did not exist.

Only the god in all of us exists, he’d said. The god in him, with all his specific needs so expressed (and, defended)….but, the god in me, those needs either un-acknowledged or labeled “nasty”, perhaps petty?, all ultimately dismissible. And, he would persist to exist, in the fullest expression of god, but not so me – because I was merely Self, the product of my own, limited mind.

My adored’s needs very definitely did exist – his need to extract himself from all perceived negative forces; his need to identify flaws in the allegedly un-enlightened’s behaviors; all of that…..but, as soon as my needs attempted audience in the discussion, I was reminded that “I”, as a self distinct, did not exist.

Yes; my darling of 30 years ago had morphed into an Ego in minutes, accusing me of many things, among them being frustrated with my desire to “handle and touch” him.

Though I’d simply said: “Sex aside, don’t you ever just want physical contact for affection’s sake? “,  I was not to be heard. “You might receive a hug.” He would hear only the voice of fear in his own head, which declared: “She wants to have my body, and she shall not.”

Everything had pretty much exploded at the moment when I decided to define my parameters for the sharing of provided goods. These were met with the litany of each of my flaws, in succession.

He’d railed against me, from all directions, pronouncing me crazed and spiraling (how does one “spiral into mania” in print, exactly?), declaring that “we never would have made it all those years ago, either.” Because I was a split personality – half Christian, half sinner.

To which, now, I can only respond:  If a human alive exists without duality in his or her nature, let him step forward and speak; If, as the embodiment of the god in all, there exists one, pure person  – without need, without ego, and irreproachable – let him stand in judgment of another, as Christ was so characterized. In the meantime, I will wait, in my fatefully split state, and in every further facet of my multiplicities, in the silence of my own, equally-real illumination.

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© Ruth Ann Scanzillo

8/2014.  all rights reserved. Thank you.

littlebarefeetblog.com