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You’ll find us, easily. We stand out, in a crowd, even when we’re sitting down.
We’re the girls who are seen out with one guy, who isn’t our boyfriend, for dinner.
Or, drinks. Or, in meetings. Or, in church. Or, at the concert, or the game, or wherever people spend any time at all together.
We’re the lone ladies who come from a family of boys. We’re the Brother Girls.
I grew up in a brother “sandwich”: one older; one younger. They were quite far apart in age, but the younger was born only two years after me and, because our family was poor without realizing it (thanks to Mum), my little brother and I shared a bedroom until I was 10 years old.
Yes. We talked in the dark, across the room. We heard each other’s secrets, longings, and troubles – just like two sisters. (This, I found out from my girl cousins, a couple of whom lived around the corner and across the street.)
He and I would observe our elder brother, from the distance of age and experience, his activities and escapades filling us with wonder and admiration. I became aware of my little brother’s feelings toward our elder brother, and how they differed from those of my own as sister to each of them.
I learned the art of the boy.
But, as we grew, and encountered puberty, what made us distinct became both more apparent and less amenable to such closeness in proximity. Nevertheless, our emotional dynamics, and the patterns which would shape them, would be set forever.
I believe that women who grow up surrounded only by brothers have a perspective on human relationship specific to the needs of the opposite sex which may elude families of sisters. To many girls, their fathers are their model for the role men will play in their lives; to those with brothers, the models are as varied as the number of boys in the house.
Furthermore, in the absence of other girls, the sister to brothers has a relationship with their mother which is distinguishable from that of the brothers with the same mother. More on that, in a bit.
Brother Girls. We are, first and foremost, comfortable around men. We relax when they enter the room. Generally, they make us feel “at home.” We tend to treat them as familiar to us, even when we haven’t been formally introduced. To others, women with sisters, men without sisters, this behavior might seem forward, or driven by a need to dominate. It isn’t; it’s just our habit.
Men without sisters, for whom girls have played a more distant role ( not having been a part of their family’s ethos) prefer to idolize women. They place a set of expectations upon them, based in the model of their mothers, which are often subjected to disillusion. But, women who crave feeling special, in this way, perhaps due to neglect or trauma, seem nearly perfect for such men.
A brother girl, however, may squirm under the gaze of adoration. Such body language may even provoke from us an amused chuckle. We are far too wise about ourselves, and them, to buy into this brand of fawning. Burping and farting are far more easily tolerated than milky eyeballing and flattery.
(Important to include, here, would be those whose mothers have had a negative affect on men’s lives. In this case, and sadly, misogyny rules the roost.)
Brothers who had one sister may always need to be close to women. Additionally, upon marrying they may confuse the role of wife with that of mother, and continue to seek out the company of other women in search of their newly absent sister.
The lone sister plays the role of confidante in the lives of her brothers. She learns that their needs are both deep, sometimes confounding, and often persistently unmet. In turn, she learns that mutual revelations are bonding, and is more than ready to forge these. I will not reveal in this forum what I have both been told by my brothers, nor what I have disclosed to them, but I can say that no topic has either been off limits or alarming. It’s as if the brother and sister can confront anything, and that fearlessly.
Now, girls with sisters who are reading this piece might be reaching peak saturation annoyance. They may be thinking: “I have the very same relationship with my sister as you do with your brother.” Right. Of course. Who’s arguing?
I might. I might suggest that, while similar, they are not parallel. Men and women, countless studies keep implying, do not think the same way. They view neither themselves nor the world identically, either. After all, society’s constructs dictate much of their response, and the history of gender bias in the workplace speaks for itself. No. Brothers need sisters not only to make sense of their feelings; they need them to make sense of their role in the lives of women.
In truth, every permutation of gender in any family dynamic has its pros and cons. In addition, the role of negative and positive influence cannot be ignored. But, I offer this piece from an informed perspective; how I view men is directly the result of my experience with those who lived in my family.
But, what of girls without brothers? Here, I can only speculate. Perhaps a lone girl without a brother forever subjects herself to men, either with joy due to having had a loving father, or with reluctance and fear for the opposite reason. However, in families of many sisters, the league of women may rise and overtake the father’s role, leading to future relationships between such sisters and their husbands marked by female domination of such total affect so as to render the men, at least at home, virtually subservient. I know this, because my mother was one of four sisters.
Now, I would be remiss were I to end this piece without addressing the dynamic between brother girls and other women.
Sister siblings, and brother girls, in the spirit of compatibility, are the least congruous. They have completely different views of men, and play equally distinct roles in the lives of men. Furthermore, because of their blind spot with regard to relating to each other’s experience, they tend to judge one another – and, somewhat harshly.
Brother girls tend to view sister siblings’ relationships with men as immature, lacking in insight or empathy. And, sister women likely see brother girls as a threat to the security of their own culture of female dominance. To them, brother girls don’t care enough about people, or children, nor do they possess any social finesse. And, the fact that their husbands disagree with them about such women is a source of contention and strife.
It may be true that brother girls appear to care more about men than women. But, this may be nourished by a cocktail of familiarity and experience; we are, after all, what we know and, increasingly, who we know. I, for one, have had a lifelong problem trusting women; yet, perhaps it is only sister siblings to whom I am reacting in this way.
I do know that I adore men, men of every type and persuasion. From the vantage point within my brother sandwich, I learned to value their dry wit, fierce intellect, brute strength, and inventive resourcefulness. From my father, I learned to desire creative genius and musical gift. And, from our mother, I learned that a woman should never be either subject or ruler.
So, brother girls, unite; we are, after all, in league with the canines. We are man’s best friend.
© Ruth Ann Scanzillo 10/27/16 *inspired by Margaret Andraso, who takes credit for the title. All other rights those of the author, whose story it is, and whose name appears above these two lines. Thank you, boys. ❤
11 thoughts on “The Brother Girls.[final edit]”
Interesting theories, I find the dynamics in my own family background mind boggling! As a boy, I felt that we were all given a pretty fair chance of becoming whatever we chose. This didn’t concern me so much, I was able to proceed quite self oriented – the fact that my 2 sisters were far more externally centred was “because they’re girls” and that was that!
Now the four of us (2 girls 2 boys) are all adults, it seems they helped me become what I am through their support, I shall be eternally grateful, but I still don’t know why women are like that!
I would like to mention my own observation of women who were first born, they often seem bossy! My older sister for example, she seemed to boss me around as a child, but now we are adults, she seems to admire me in manhood the way my younger sister seemed to do all along – thats odd, I’m still as wrong as I ever was!! I think I shall never understand girl logic! 🙂
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That’s why I issued the disclaimer about all the permutations. Birth order, balance of girls to boys, how close in age….all those are factors. Mine was just my own observations re: solitary sisters in families of brothers, possibly only those of us between brothers. The eldest being a girl, followed by several boys, presents differently; I suspect the sole sister must be the middle child in order for my theory to apply consistently. However, the brothers in such a family might also consistently present as I described them. And, I know many families of exclusively multiple girls who fit the descriptor I offered. Huge families, of five or more siblings, will present yet another dynamic. Just wanted to lay out what happens when a girl has no sister, and a boy has only one.
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p.s. And, of course, I speak only as an American woman. 😉
(I had too much chocolate, so there might be several installments before I burn this wick(!) — Just for you: My eldest brother was born before my parents reunited. Dad didn’t “meet” his firstborn until Nathan was about 9 yrs old. They were in line, at the bank, and Nathan spit at him. When Dad remarried mom, I was the first to come to term, and became my father’s pseudo-firstborn. He held me, fed me the bottle, sang to me; I bonded with my father like most babies bond with their mothers. Two years later, my little brother was born. He often would speak, during our early adulthood, of how I overshadowed him, though I was unaware at the time, being largely extroverted (not an extrovert, just extroverted) and strong of “personality” (annoying and obnoxious). Paul came of age by leaving the state, moving to NC, where he remained, never returning home to live. I, on the other hand, have never lived anywhere but home, apart from my years at college. Nathan has lived all over the country, achieving national stature as a chemist/LABCORPS. So, Paul’s experience sounds a lot like yours, OF. Yet, I still think of my little brother with deep love and emotional bonding, though we rarely even see each other anymore. Perhaps your sister would reveal that she feels similarly toward you.
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I remember my little sister being quite obnoxious for a few years! Outside church she would go round and stamp on everyones feet, laughing madly! Luckily people were very tolerant of it – she used to delight in picking up sewing gum from the floor and reviving it, I’m sure she had an urge to disgust everyone – she did have close female friends tho, so we weren’t that close as brother and sister, we did however spend a lot of time together. I remember the day I was instructed to take her to the Saturday matinee cinema, we found a bird egg on the way and pocketed it, then half way thru the film it got broke and stank so bad it made everyone feel ill – really, the stench was so awful, and so close by I remember it being almost an hallucinogenic experience!
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(* Chewing gum, not sewing)
Oh, how perfectly horrid — the gum, and the egg! Hardly a recipe for confidence (!) or emotional bonding. Great comedy sketch for Lily Tomlin, however – !!
How weird — I signed in, but the thing still posted as Anonymous. It’s me, R.A., OF XO
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aha, I see! Yes, she was a terrible tearaway!
I just wanted to add, that thing about thinking of others is something young women develop so much earlier and so thoroughly they are way ahead of males before we even know about the concept!! I reckon she was rebelling against her nature for a time, I’d almost entirely forgotten that rebellious phase, she’s mellowed considerably since then!
My older sister was quite the girl guide, very practical, the younger more artistic and crazy, I remember the Taming of the Shrew being on tv, and thinking hmm, also the musical of Calamity Jane, my mum was very fond of that, so I think the younger was Mums girl, the older one more from Dads side. They even look alike, characteristically, It was good to see the family last weekend at my younger sisters 50th, so its all quit fresh 🙂 XX
(I didn’t get a notification on your comment BTW)
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Just rereading all these, OF, from how many years ago, now….you know, maybe a short jaunt across would be fun? How are you with the Irish? The short ones, muscular but not loud….a bit shy, never commanding the floor…….you could be the grand tour man. I have resigned to the fact that David, of the Lyon clan but half Greco-Calabrian, will be in my life until one of us escapes the plane. He would treat you with respect. Email me.
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Fantastic! I’ll drop you a line 🙂