Bearing All.

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In the darkest part of my night, and her day, my dearest bloggie, N, gave me a sobering piece of advice. And, it was this:

“You don’t have to bare your soul to the entire planet.”

Now, because her depth of insight is consistently eons ahead of my most emboldened presumptions, I paused. She always gives me pause. There is a certain, goddess fearing pause that this woman generates; it’s as if she knows me, before I know myself. And, she, relative to my chronology, a veritable child, no less.

“You don’t have to.”

I suppose my first reaction was to that opening clause. “Have to”? Hadn’t I moved, yea grown, so far beyond any notion of obeying anything or anybody?

Surely a childhood of strictly enforced social parameters had taught me that obedience was better than sacrifice. And, sacrifice had been my mother’s middle name.

Yet, I knew, by early adulthood (though I would not act on the realization for another decade) that I could not obey anymore. I’d done it, to an excruciating degree, though mum would be the last to know. First, I would dissect my imposed authorities with the official tonsorial artist’s finest comb. Then, and only then, would I take with any degree of sobriety the directives of said alleged enforcers. Playwrite Neil Simon’s Reader’s Digest quote, decoupaged to a small plaque which I’d subsequently placed on the toilet table, to be read like a mantra every day, was my leading instructor:

” There will be those who say: ‘It’s not done that way.’  Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will….”

Yes; I would obey only the inner voice with which I had been blessed, and that, to a fault.

So, my dearest and most revered bloggie N, perhaps I cannot do anything else. Perhaps my soul is already escaped its body. Perhaps my head already floats in the firmament, like Woody Allen’s mother in ‘New York Stories’, monitoring the lives of everybody around me and barking fair warning. Keyword: fair. Perhaps all my social and emotional errors are worthy fodder for the fledglings.

The Apostle Paul exhorted the early Christians to “bear one another’s burdens.” Perhaps I simply cannot bear my own soul. Maybe, subconsciously, I plead for others to help me carry it?

And, what of it?  Could my missteps, my errant wanderings, be of worth to those who have yet to embark? Who is judging my choices, anymore? Certainly, I have judged them myself – and, found them seriously wanting.

Best to warn, like the town crier. Let me do the crying. I can handle it. Tough love is not easy, and rarely wins friends, but somebody has to do it. Might as well be me. Long after I am forgotten, perhaps my life experiences will be filed and referenced for some small value to another.

Further, in his letter to the Corinthians, Paul also includes in his legendary “love chapter”: “Love…..bears all….”

And so, my love comes with me. I hope to spread such care. If this is not how my words translate, then, please: do tell. Perception is, after all, our only reality – and, it may be all we ever get before we cross the bar.

Much ❤ , to all, most specially to my dearest N.

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This piece dedicated to Nicole –  SABISCUIT, to the WordPress world.

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© Ruth Ann Scanzillo

9/1/15 – All rights those of the one who just stripped nekked. Thanks for not snickering.

littlebarefeetblog.com

35 thoughts on “Bearing All.”

    1. Yes. Given that, however, I think my friend was just looking out for me. Trying to be protective of me, in the eyes of others. I understand her motivations – and, yours, too! Thanks. We Sweets don’t know anything except Total Disclosure. It’s probably genetic. Mammy, talking us down the steps, to the car, to the open car door, to the window of the car…….<3

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  2. It’s an interesting question. Some say the best art is the art that originates from deep inside, that is true to exactly what you think/feel/see/are. I tend to agree, but still I feel I have to be selective about what and how much I reveal.

    But I wonder, can we truly reveal all of ourselves even if we want to?

    Deep thoughts 🙂 But I love your sentiments, and I lean more and more – and strive more and more – to openness of myself to others.

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    1. For some, tapping into oneself is easier than for others. I think family environment plays a huge part. In our extended family, Full Disclosure was the modus operandi. The downside? No privacy, and no individual dignity. The upside? No time wasted in pretense and protocol, and a strong identification with truth. A real debate, that one.

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      1. Interesting, and great point – family environment likely plays a huge role in how each person approaches that (and so many other things.)

        My family was somewhere in between – we certainly put a high value on truth (and Truth) , but we could be evasive and dance around things at times.

        Thanks for this!

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        1. Right. I think the term is “not mutually exclusive”? By the way, your photography and your poetry are both so sophisticated. Immediately superior, in some cases; generally excellent. My opinion, of course. I sense that you have created your blog as an escape from early fatherhood, and its temporal demands. Not that you dislike being a father, as I’m betting you utterly adore your children, but the environment itself and its practical, linear, compartmentalization of ….self?! is probably a bit maddening. Just think….a generation ago, this option didn’t exist!!

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          1. I appreciate and value your opinion very much.

            I also appreciate your observations and thoughts about my experiences. I want to think about that a bit. Interestingly, my three kids are all teenagers now, so I’d say I’m mid-fatherhood 🙂 And, I do indeed adore my kids and love being a father (I knew I wanted to be a father as a kid, the way some kids know they want to be a doctor or a teacher.)

            But I think there is definitely an element of wanting / needing to express myself in ways I otherwise cannot. Some deeper personal reflection required here, some of which I’ve done but not fully Revealed 🙂

            But it’s not that I cannot express myself in other ways, for I am learning that I must, and I do, now that I’ve given myself the freedom to do it (not suddenly, of course, but over the past while – months/years.)

            Thank you for the wonderful conversation.

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                2. Omg. Well, Bonnie, on the one hand, you do remind me. Influence is one thing; nurture, protect, defend……how many of those students remember the day I fiercely lashed out in front of a whole class, my face contorting, my voice bellowing up from the depths of magnificent frustration and the absence of a support system? What kind of influence, effect, might this have had over a tender child? I can’t ever take back those days. And, during the final five years, they were frequent.

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                3. And you think I didn’t do things like that to MY kids???? Just ask them. I was a screamer. Hey look at it this way, maybe those moments showed them how NOT to act or made them realize that the educational system is lacking and they vowed to make a difference. Who knows, right?

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                3. I can’t speak for him but I wish one of my subscribers would try his subtle approach. His comment style is to ambush me like a protestor with a megaphone. “HEEEEYYYY DID YOU GAIN FIFTY POUNDS AND ARE THROWING UP TO LOSE WEIGHT? IT SAYS THAT RIGHT THERE.” Effs up my vibe and ruins the mood of my posts. I’m too direct for my own good sometimes but that is just much.

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        1. But, that is so interesting, because we were also VERY sheltered. From the “world”. Yet, within the borders of our confines, totally disclosing. I have also observed that, when out in public, restaurants, waiting in line, that sort of thing, those from among my family will behave as if they are the only ones in the room. A really odd form of egocentricity.

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              1. Let’s put it this way, I used to sneak around the house with my sister and we’d record the grown ups and log notes. Then on Friday nights we presented our findings in story form. That was our way of coping with it. I guess even as children we knew stuff was up. Not healthy though.

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  3. Funny. You are the only parent in my spectre who has ever admitted that to me, a teacher. You know that the scene has changed, don’t you. You know that parents have all the power now. You know that, right? I got hauled into the office by principals who were mothers of daughters, by parents of daughters, reviling me and lighting into me with all barrels because of some comment I’d made toward their precious child. I called a girl “full figured” (the term mom, a seamstress, used to describe women with bust sizes over a certain cup, and rib cages of a certain dimension) once during a stage rehearsal (“GREASE!”), asking her politely to block about ten inches to the left so that the other actor could be seen by the extreme seats……That was all it took. SUDDENLY, I had threatened the return of her daughter’s anorexia, bulimia. Of course, I DID NOT KNOW about her history with not eating. OF COURSE, they expected a full apology. I SHOULD “think before I spoke.” Okay, then. I VOW never to use appropriate dressmaking terminology in the presence of teen age girls. Ever. again. Scouts. Honor. Girl Scouts. The cookies. The Savannahs, and the Thin Mints, especially.

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    1. Oh. My. Goodness. That’s horrible! I would never ever want to be a teacher or a police officer the way the world is these days for ANY amount of pay let alone the meager salaries they receive. In fact I would never want to be a parent of minors the way things are. I can’t believe what I am hearing about what parents can’t do to children in regards to physical punishment (spanking). No wonder kids are turning out the way they are! And no cursive taught in school?? I realize that sounds dumb in relation to what we are talking about but I think it shows a change in education that’s not good for kids! Yes, I screamed. You should have heard me screaming at Maggie the first couple weeks. Sometimes I just lose it and that’s all I can do. It is better than hitting kids/dogs or punching the wall like some do I suppose. But I spanked, too. I probably would do more time outs and take away things if I had it to do over again, but I would still spank and I would still scream because that’s how I am. I don’t think I’ve ever screamed at anyone except kids or dogs but I did raise my voice the day I quit my job when I was accused of something I didn’t do and that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. But I digress, sorry. I bet you could write a book just about what you went through teaching. Or maybe several books.

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