Tag Archives: contemporary thought

Happiness, by Design.

Tonight, PBS aired the carefully-prepared documentary about our emotional life, Part I. For the first hour — was it just the presence of deeply-dependent Dad, my own forlorn sense, or the brain crashing after another episode with sumatriptan succinate? — I cried. Thesis: Happiness is an outgrowth of satisfying relationships. Subject: A-socialized children, Asperger’s…….all about isolation, that increasingly-terrifying reality. The inability to bond. Let’s get really familiar. I am exposed. Spotlight: OFF.
Second hour addressed abusive relationships, the tragic story of one boy who was bullied literally to death, and then evolved into the inevitable narrative of love relationships – how they form, why, what happens to them, all within the ever-lovin’ context of, you guessed it, marriage.
As usual, I fixated on the entire presentation like a lost soul at an evangelical tent meeting. Why, after all these years, I still fed off this stuff with no hope for a cure was in itself baffling. The college-educated woman in me zeroed in on the subtext; the tireless salespitch for marriage as an institution? or, was there room for something less terminal – perhaps the depth of love, and its binding properties? This was, after all, a scientific “study.” Yes; “studies” showed that marriages became increasingly less satisfying for the couples, but, when children were added, more stabilizing for both. Professional counseling to the rescue and, voila! – happily ever after, just in time. Part I, Finit.
Of course. Just in time for the new year, steering us toward Epiphany, we are led to celebrate Happiness, the reward for all willing to form satisfying human relationships by working at them, getting counseling, and above all, staying together.
This theme resonating until my cranium and brain could no longer stand the symbiosis, I began my blinding crawl through the Unanswered Questions. 1.) To what extent do humans require training in the art of forming satisfying relationships? 2.) Who decides when they are? 3.) How many more books will be written (and, documentaries filmed) before we are ready to take a serious look at culture, and just exactly what role the habits of those who bear little resemblance to us do to achieve stasis, stability, security, and attachments that last? 4.) When will the West turn its head away from the mirror and stop the endless looping of conventions that feed the same outcomes, decade after decade, century upon century?
It’s nice to think about Happiness. It’s nice to recollect moments, perhaps in childhood, or reflected in home movies and family albums, of frozen bits of it. Each of us has a story, but most of us are unwilling to tell it in terms that are singular enough to set us apart; we have been taught, after all, to find the ways in which we bear similarities. And, then comes the task of acceptance.
Those of us who can more easily speak of oddity, distance, lack of cultivated behavior, or a blatant honesty that seems to make most around us uncomfortable, hardly become part of the social landscape. Rather, we become the subject of such “studies”, effectively distancing us further from the very thing to be sought after: connection.
Were I, for example, to suggest that, at the moment when spouses or even partners recognize their lack of satisfaction with each other, they each find another who can, with gentleness and care, pull the puzzle into a picture……..imagine the uproar. Once we’ve vowed before witnesses to cherish each other forever to the exclusion of everyone else, we are thereafter programmed to reject each other for finding something worthwhile in another. It never occurs to us as either couples or within the context of society that the labeled culprit, the unnamed paramour, the suspected predator, the ultimate villain, might actually be a person worthy of respect whose heart is pure! Those who document with intent to honor one who sets out to meet the needs of another, even to recognize that which society will not permit any expression, are viewed as purveyors of sleaze and pornography. Sexual infidelity diminishes in the glare of this illumination; yet, the light generated is always subdued by the shadows which form.
And so we need, above all, clarity. We must stand in direct Light. We cannot suggest anything that might lead our children down paths of destruction. But, we should broaden our scope, expand our capacities, and welcome differences that extend beyond our tediously familiar and increasingly undigestible recipes for social stability. If we were founded as a country upon principles that welcome all under God, then perhaps the happiness we tell ourselves is ours for the asking might better be sought outside of the confines of convention and the traditional counseling that seeks to maintain it. Perhaps we need to go deep — into that less-familiar place called solitude, the closet of our souls, where the thought of relationship with anything but the self we were given at birth can be known and loved.
I so desire to be able to turn from this tablet at this moment toward the face of a precious someone who declares adoration for me. But, of greater importance at that moment would be: can I return what is offered me, in even greater measure?
Perhaps we might find each other, alone together. I hope that, if this is so, we both have room in our hearts for an endless expression of each other’s breadth and depth, our arms wide enough to embrace anyone placed in our path. We walk this life in momentary bliss; the next, finer hour will reveal all.
© Ruth Ann Scanzillo 1/5/10
All rights those of the author, whose name appears above this line, and reserved. Thank you.

My Testimony.

Amazing. In spite of a lengthy, intense and earnest Facebook dialogue about Christianity with some Friends, there will be those who think that I am some kind of minion of Satan’s for, in an attempt to defend my position, “merely” quoting Jesus’ words. Good Grief. Does the semantic maelstrom ever lift? The attempt was to offer measured, systematic responses within a dialogue on the subject raised.

My grandmother, the closest to a human saint I will ever know, was notably fond of responding to most entreaties by “merely” quoting Jesus’ words. The fact that my dear friend Patty’s husband, Mike, wasn’t sure he was having a discussion with a Christian could be taken in so many ways, one of them in offense, but I won’t even go there; rather, herewith my only defense, commonly called:  The Testimony.

At the age of 6, following the close of a Bible Club session at Ruth Erb’s house on Wayne street, I accepted Jesus into my heart – along with Frannie, my cousin (no; while I love my cousin very much, it was just Jesus who gained entrance that day – is this essay being picked apart by a creative writing professor with an agenda, by chance? 😉 if so, no harm, no foul);  and, as the two of us walked home, we discussed what we had just experienced.

We agreed that we always thought we were Christians, but didn’t remember ever “doing” it, meaning: praying the “sinner’s prayer”. As I grew, my “faith” was measured by the totality of my behavior toward others: memorizing verses and chapters; reciting these; praying every night, before bed; passing out tracts at conferences; and, then witnessing to people, most passionately as I reached my pre-teen years when these considerations seemed paramount.

It never occurred to me that reality was measured by any other standard; I was a Christian, nearly all my extended family were Christians, the Catholics who lived in the neighborhood and walked to Holy Rosary wearing high heels and lace mantillas were pagans, the Presbyterians at Emmanuel up the street were church-goers, and everybody but the thirty nine people who met on the west side of 28th & East Avenue every week were all going to Hell unless they got saved.

When I reached the age of about 13, in attendance at one of the yearly Eastern Bible Conferences held at Grove City College, I was caught up short at my age group’s daily Bible class by the words of the beloved Dave Baseler, who would come to seem like the precursor to Letterman in his delivery, perhaps because they shared the same mandibular set-up and mid-western origin, those words being: “What is faith?”

I remember that he stood for several beats of weighty silence, holding his head up in challenge to us all, rocking on the balls of his feet, eagerly awaiting our reactions. I do not remember if I raised my hand, though it would have customarily been my wont; what I DO recall is that this question bore a hole in my head and set me on a course that would lead me down a path of emotional trauma from which I never fully recovered.

By the end of that week (yes; those conferences were always one week in length, a total departure from life as we otherwise knew it and our family’s ONLY yearly vacation), I had totally detached myself from the social milieu normal to us preteens and was scurrying around, nailing every Laboring Brother I could find with my un-ending, un-answerable questions. They were ALL earnest and warm toward me, each one caring a very great deal about my concerns. Brothers Leslie Grant, Bob Costen, Don Smart……..these men became my fixation thereafter because, suddenly, they and their insights seemed of paramount importance to my increasingly-fractured reality. Was it true? Was any of it true? How did we know? What did this mean? What was the unforgivable sin? How did we know? And, if it was unforgivable, how could any of us obtain salvation, particularly if we couldn’t determine whether we had committed it?

What I would come to realize decades later, after being trained as an educator, was that my brain had chosen to reach full-on Formal Operations that summer and was firing off electrical impulses so fast and loud that I am surprised my body did not spontaneously combust. I had come head to head with abstract Reason, and this version of reality which my childhood had embodied suddenly found itself on radically shifting sand.

I embarked thereafter, and for several years, on a quest which continues to this day. In our time, as you know, we had only concrete reference material. I had to dig up old, dusty books and scour them. One, on the Canon of Scripture, was particularly convincing to me. But, that reassurance, along with so many more, would only be temporary; as soon as one question was answered, and my euphoria ( yes, praise God, it WAS all true and I WAS going to Heaven) had buoyed me yet again, that near-mania would soon be encroached by another, invariable, intractable question. These my mother called Doubts. I would soon find out that we all had these Doubts, that they were “the tool of Satan” and that we should recognize this important fact. That, in itself, was a problem for me, because honest questions being defined as tools of Satan scared the Hell into me all over again.

Yes; I had become a tool of Satan, me and my endless questions. I had become the embodiment of everything that was wrong about being human – a real sinning sinner, a girl, no less, who developed the habit of biting her nails until they bled while looking around the Assembly Hall room at every single person in it, wondering a thousand things all at once. What were they thinking about when their eyes were closed? Why were they all so relaxed?? Did they not ever wonder if they had committed the unforgivable sin?? Why was it only the Laborers who ever spoke ABOUT the Lord in any of the conversations I overheard between Morning Worship and Sunday School? How could they all seem so inanely oblivious of the very real questions that were of galactic importance??

Attending the Youth Retreats, well, thank God for those. At least, then, I could preoccupy myself with the boys, and my hair, and my clothes, and the food, and getting to fly to St. Louis or ride to Detroit.

Up until then, “witnessing” had really empowered me. I had pored over my Bible so many times that some even resorted to teasing, calling me “Sister Ruth.” I would approach total strangers as boldly as a marketing researcher, on the beach, in public “street meetings” going door to door, at school, spreading the Word.

But, the Youth Retreats were an almost total reprieve from all that – except for the Gospel meetings, which were unendurable. [OH! I forgot to include: in my 13th summer, I’d expressed those doubts to my mother at the Bible conference, where she had knelt to pray with me, guiding me toward repenting and asking Jesus into my heart all over again. I also chose to be baptized, thinking that this would seal the deal forever. But, the verse about “confessing with the mouth” nagged at me; I never admitted that I had been saved all over again that week, and would wonder thereafter if, by not confessing that, the deal was not, in fact, sealed.]

Yes; the Gospel meetings caused High Anxiety. To this day, I can still hear the grande Englishmen at the podium, one a more spectacular orator than the next, in that hot, sweaty, sticky, scratchy-velour Crawford Hall Auditorium…..solitary babies, wailing in the outer lobby……the August locusts’ relentless chirring……and, later, in the dark in our beds, that one, remote train, mourning all our madness and offering to carry it all away into infinity….

At each subsequent, yearly conference, I got accustomed to observing its several levels of life. There was the head-covering, hymn-singing social strata, where everybody went to test out God’s Match for them at eHarmony. Then, there were the established families, with all their babies, the ones that got carried out during the meetings in that rite of passage followed by the tracking eyes of every girl in the room. Small cliques, gathering in the evenings for grapes and cheese curls and chips that had been purchased from the town, populated by the conference administrators and select guests. And, there were, as my father so transparently revealed, the “foreigners”. From every conceivable country on the planet, whispered about by the “old guard” contingent because of the Free Will Offering in place for payment from each family, these were those in unspoken, third world status; saved, sanctified, but likely not prepared to pay their freight for the week of meals, lodging, and the Olympic pool.

And, then there were the Laborers, and their wives (and, in some cases, families, but mostly not), these leading all the Bible studies and all the decision-making all week long, including announcing who had decided to accept Jesus as their Personal Saviour after each Gospel meeting.

By the time I reached high school, there was a semi-conscious decision to detach from the lurching and careening emotional terror. Just stepping away from the zealotry, even a little bit, seemed to render a kind of calm to my psychic core. Not thinking about any of it – at all – began to work me into at least a superficial version of a well-adjusted young woman.

I did not know that I was living in a subculture. I did not know that the people in it were part of a sect. I only knew that there was Us, and there was Them, and that distinction had always been, if not cleanly defined, repeatedly revisited. I was one of those in whom the Almighty God was well-pleased; the rest of the world was hostile, alien, a lesser form of life, the Lost.

The Lost. Those who were condemned to an eternity in Hell-fire, lest they repent and accept Jesus precisely as I had. Or, sort of like I had. Just once was all it took, or so it seemed, at least to the Evangelical Fundamentalists not to be confused with the Independent Baptists or the Pentecostals. In my case, it took more than once, because I was a Doubter. Or, something like that.

My Mormon friend, Nathan, thinks that if we can define “Christian” and “The Church” we can have a better discussion but believes, with sadness, that we will not reach an agreement on those definitions because everyone has a different size bucket and umbrella.

My feeling is that we won’t reach an agreement on these definitions. We never will. And, that is because, over time, their definitions have endured, dare I say it, their own evolution. As for me, whether or not I am a Christian seems up to everyone else to determine. Or, at least, to The Deciders. Or, something. My dear friend Patty’s husband Mike, since this piece was written, has passed away. For myself, I only know that the words of Jesus still ring in my ears, sometimes fill my heart, and, a long time ago, penetrated the nucleus of all my cells – and, that, for all eternity.



© Ruth A. Scanzillo


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