1.) Ask her, in print, if she is attending an event. Then, tell her you’ll pick her up.

[ Women have cars. ]

[ Generally, women prefer being picked up only by elephants, and even then, prickly backs.]

[ Never tell a woman what she is going to do. ]

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2.) Show up at her house, in the rain, while she is having company, and begin to alter the appearance of her property.

[ Women actually own property. ]

[ Generally, women prefer to make the decisions regarding their property. ]

[ Trespassing is a misdemeanor. ]

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3.) Offer to come over and set her mousetraps. When you arrive, declare that the house needs to be cleaned first, and then sterilize the floor. Don’t apologize when none of the traps are tripped.

[ Women know when they are pigs. ]

[ Generally, offering to do something for a woman that she is capable of doing for herself is considered condescending. ]

[ Mice urinate on their trails, so they can return to where they found the food.]

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4.) As a surprise, give her a gift of shower soap.

[ Women have shower soap. They get it from their nieces on Christmas. ]

[ Generally, a woman wears deodorant.]

[ Never imply that a woman smells funny. It’s probably the henna.]

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5.) When a woman puts on her coat, size her up and tell her you will buy her one that is black and more “appropriate” for the occasion.

[ Women are tired of black.]

{ Generally, a woman chooses outer apparel first for comfort, then for fabric quality and, finally, for color. ]

[ Never tell a woman what is appropriate for any occasion. ]

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6.) When a woman steps into her boots, tell her she looks “like an old Polack from the East side.”

[ Women wear the boots. ]

[ Generally, women both choose their own footware and the way in which they kick with it.]

[ You are a bigot and a jerk. Go home and [mis]handle yourself. ]

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© 4/11/16 Ruth Ann Scanzillo   – littlebarefeetblog.com

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